ABOUT KIDS

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Giving your kids cash rewards can affect them negatively

by Simon Ejembi

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Many parents offer their children cash to make them behave appropriately, but experts warn that this strategy is not the best,SIMON EJEMBI writes

It is common to see parents promising their children one thing or the other - if they get good results in an examination, do their homework or house chores (at the right time). What is promised varies; toys, games, ice cream, and even cash. The list is endless.

In truth it is not unusual to hear a parent tell a child, "If you pass the examination I will buy you a bicycle." Neither is it strange for a parent to promise the kids, "After you do your homework we'll go and get ice cream."

Dangerous strategy

Parental advisers and financial experts say such parents often make these promises to their kids in order to keep them in line. Such parents, they explain, do so believing that they are just rewarding or motivating the children to behave properly.

A child protection specialist and Consultant to UNICEF on Child Protection, Taiwo Akinlami, says to the extent that it is not bribe or all about money, it is okay for parents to reward their children every now and then.

"We talk to parents or custodians of children about the principle of 'carrot and stick'. Now, if you want a child to do something. You can either use 'carrot' or 'stick'. 'Carrot' is to encourage the child, while 'stick' is to discipline the child," he says.

According to him, when parents reward the child, they are trying to use positive enforcement to tell the child to perform.

He adds, "The truth of the matter is that when you use positive enforcement, it has more positive impact on the child than when you use negative enforcement."

However, while experts agree that parents have to device a way of rewarding and punishing their children for good and bad behaviour, respectively, they warn that care must be taken as this strategy can backfire, especially for parents who frequently use such rewards, particularly cash, as the main means of getting their kids to perform any function or get anything done.

They argue that while the promise of a cash reward may get children to do what is expected of them, it is, in essence, bribe and teaches them a bad financial lesson.

This is because instead of adopting the behaviour for which the reward is given as the right one, the child just adopts it for the sake of the reward. Once the reward is withdrawn, they are unlikely to sustain the behaviour. Experts add that by rewarding the child for what they should do as a duty or responsibility, they may develop a sense of entitlement or come to believe that they deserve something in return for every positive action they take even if it is the normal thing to do.

Consequences

For some parents, and with some kids, the consequence of this approach starts manifesting at an early age. Many parents have had to watch, embarrassed, as their children insist on a reward before running an errand for a family friend or relative.

Experts say the major consequence may manifest later in life when the child becomes an adult. At this stage, their sense of entitlement starts taking a toll on their finances. They frequently make comments like, "After a hard day's job, I deserve this or that", "Having met my target, I should get this or that," and "Having been promoted, I need a new car or I have to organise a huge party," etc. This is regardless of whether they can afford this or not; whether they need it or not. They just believe that they deserve a reward or some form of gratification for playing their expected role.

Akinlami says, "The foundational thing is that we shouldn't bribe our children, it is not right."

While advising parents to encourage and commend their children on the basis of what they have been asked to do that they have done well, Akinlami warns that, "If you spoil your children with money every day because you want them to behave well or for whatever reason you keep giving them money, they are going to believe that life rises and falls on the idea of getting money, which is not true."

He adds, "I tell custodians of children - we work with parents and teachers - that, 'Your child has to be disciplined'. 'Your child cannot get 'carrot' all the time. You have to know how to combine 'carrot' with stick from time to time and ensure that you bring out the best in the child."

Remedy

Apart from ensuring that there is a balance and that parents do not bribe their children, Akinlami says they can further ensure that their kids get it right by setting good examples.

This, he says, is because "children don't do what you say, they do what you do. So, the financial life of the parent has direct impact on the children".

"For example," he adds, "when parents buy the things that are not necessary, whether they like it or not, children are copying them; because the best way that the children learn is by copying the parents.

"So, the best way parents can teach their children to be financially prudent is to ensure that whatever they model that is also what their children are going to pick up at the end of the day. If they are the type who buy things they don't need or who buy things to please people, the child observes all those things and that will determine his/her future financially."

Other experts, say parents can prevent their children from adopting the wrong financial mentality by desisting from giving them reward for doing the expected or exhibiting a behaviour that is considered normal.

Some parents even go as far as rewarding their children for eating their meal or for taking the plates to the kitchen. This should be avoided.

A time for everything

Despite the advice that parents should be careful about offering their kids cash rewards, experts say it is not wrong for parents to give their kids money. They explain that as children get older, parents need to start training them to understand how to use money - saving, spending, and investing.

In motivating a child, experts say parents ought to always take the behaviour that they are encouraging into consideration. Are you encouraging your child to always strive to the right things or are you encouraging them to do things only when they are sure they will get a reward?

Culled from PUNCH

REJUVINATING MARRIAGE

DISCOVER YAHOO! WITH YOUR FRIENDS

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The 21-Minute Secret to a Happier Marriage

By Elise Solé, Shine Staff | Love + Sex – 18 hours ago

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ThinkStockIn the time it takes to shower, get a manicure, or run to the post office, you could have a happier marriage. According to the results of an upcoming study in the journal Psychological Science, just three seven-minute writing exercises over a one-year period could drastically improve your bond.

More on Yahoo! Shine: Is Distance the Key to a Happy Marriage?

The two-year study included 120 married couples, ranging from 20-somethings to 70-somethings who had on average been married for 11 years. During  the first year, the couples were asked to sit down every four months and write about their biggest recent conflict such as tiffs about cleaning or sex-related gripes. For the second year, the researchers switched things up: They had one group of couples continue recording their conflicts and a second group write them from the perspective of a third party who wanted the best for them, such as a mutual friend. That way, the couples couldn't write things like, "It made me so angry when he was late" but rather "Chris was two hours late coming home." The results were surprising: Although the second group's arguments were just as frequent and severe as the first group's, the couples who wrote from a neutral perspective felt less angry toward their partners, experienced more sexual attraction for each other, and their happiness levels stabilized rather than declined.

More on Yahoo! 10 Money Mistakes That Can Ruin a Marriage

"Previous research shows that relationship satisfaction decreases over the course of a marriage but these writing exercises act as a buffer for unhappiness," says Eli Finkel, Ph.D., lead author of the study and professor of psychology at Northwestern University. "The trick is to get outside your own head. By processing conflict from a neutral perspective, you better understand where your partner is coming from and are able to let go of grudges." 

Easy, right? Try these other tricks for a happier relationship in 21 minutes or less.

Exercise together: Going for a quick run or walk around the block with your partner will do more than keep you shape; it'll make you feel happier and sexier. Exercise releases feel-good neurotransmitters called endorphins and breaking a sweat increases blood flow straight to your nether regions.

Conjure up a romantic memory: Research published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences found that extraverts owe their happy outlook to their habit of getting nostalgic. So daydream about the first time you met or your wedding day. Bonus points for swapping memories.

Exchange back rubs: No surprise that massage feels luxurious but it can also enhance romantic feelings. That's because physical contact stimulates the production of the happy hormone oxytocin. Ahhh….

culled from yahoo.com 7.2.2013

CHILD ABUSE OR CHILD RAPE ?!

Mexico: Girl, Nine, Gives Birth After 'Rape'

A nine-year-old Mexican girl has given birth in what authorities have called a rape or sexual abuse case.

The baby girl was born on January 27 in Zoquipan Hospital in Jalisco state, weighing 5lbs 7oz.

The youngster, who is identified only as Dafne, was eight when she got pregnant by a teenager who has since run away, her mother told local officials.

She said: "The father is a boy who is 17, but we have not found him, since he ran away.

"We are looking for the young man to get his story because she does not understand what has happened. This is a rape or child sex abuse case," said Jorge Villasenor with the state prosecutors' office.

Both girls were released from the hospital over the weekend, apparently doing well.

But the hospital said it would have to do extensive follow-up work due to the new mother's age.

Culled from  SkyNews 6.2.2013

INSPIRED !

Nigeria’s Alakija displaces Oprah Winfrey, becomes richest black woman in the world

 News    Wednesday, December 5, 2012

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Mrs Folorunsho Alakija, a Nigerian billionaire oil tycoon, Fashion designer and philanthropist is now the richest black woman in the world, according to report published by Ventures Africa, an African business magazine and news services.

Alakija, 61, is worth at least $3.3 billion- contrary to a recent Forbes Magazine ranking which pegs her net worth at only $600 million. She is $500 million richer than media mogul, Oprah Winfrey, whose wealth estimated at $2.7 billion in September.

Folorunsho Alakija is the founder and owner of Famfa Oil, a Nigerian oil company which owns a 60 percent working interest in OML 127 that produces about 200,000 barrels a day.

Alakija, was born into a wealthy, polygamous Nigerian family. She started out her professional career in the mid 70s as a secretary at the now defunct International Merchant Bank of Nigeria, one of the country's earliest investment banks.

In the early 80s, Alakija quit her job and went on to study Fashion design in England, returning to Nigeria shortly afterwards to start Supreme Stitches, a premium Nigerian fashion label which catered exclusively to upscale clientele. The business thrived, and Alakija quickly made a tidy fortune selling high-end Nigerian clothing to fashionable wives of military bigwigs and society women.

Oil Prospecting License

In May 1993, Alakija applied for an allocation of an Oil Prospecting License (OPL). The license to explore for oil on a 617,000 acre block - (now referred to as OPL 216) was granted to Alakija's company, Famfa Limited.

YES WE CAN- OLDAGE AND STUDYING

Grandfather bags first class in law as UI graduates 1,582

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Written by Dare AdekanmbiFriday, 16 November 2012Nigeria Tribune

A 57-year-old grandfather, Mr Isiaka Alli, was, on Thursday, named among 21 graduating students with first class degrees as 1,582 students graduated from the University of Ibadan (UI).

Alli, the elder brother of the chairman of Odu’a Conglomerate, Chief Sarafadeen Alli, graduated from the Faculty of Law and was also joint winner of the best graduating student for the 2011/2012 academic session.

He bagged his first degree 35 years ago and, thereafter, a second degree from Obafemi Awolowo University (OAU), Ile-Ife.

Alli’s feat enthralled the crowd at the graduation ceremony held in the Trenchad Hall, when he was called for a handshake with the vice chancellor, Professor Isaac Adewole.

He told newsmen that faith and the determination to move the country forward informed his enrolling to study Law in the university.

Speaking on the occasion, Professor Adewole blamed the low number of first degree holders on the graduation list to the disruption of the 2011/2012 academic calendar.

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Toddler temper tantrums: How I learned to stay stress free

What I did when my child had temper tantrums in public

Picture the scene, it's a beautiful day, you're at your favourite restaurant about to sit down to a fabulous Sunday lunch, when suddenly all hell breaks loose.

 had my first experience of the 'terrible twos' one beautiful Sunday afternoon. We had attended our favourite family restaurant for Sunday lunch. My daughter, Tilly, was sitting between us in her high chair. The menu looked mouth-watering and everything was dandy. Then suddenly the crystal clear wine glasses began to vibrate over the crisp white table linen and knives and forks started to shake. At first I thought it was an earthquake. But it was far worst. Tilly was having a tantrum.

With her tiny little feet she kicked the table from underneath. She then tried to break free from her chair. Then came the screaming, causing all eyes to turn on us. "I want daddy" she screamed. Thinking this would calm her, I took her out of the chair and handed her to daddy. The wailing stopped for exactly six seconds before she once again tried to break free. "I want to get down," she wailed. Threats like "If you don't behave we're going home" fell on deaf ears. By now the tantrum was in full swing.

We were attracting more attention than Joan Collins. I couldn't understand it. She wasn't even two. It wasn't fair. I felt cheated. My daughter was only 22 months. Had she begun the terrible twos early, like some kind of early menopause syndrome?

A bemused waiter came to take our order. "What would you like?" he asked. "Just our coats," I replied. Yes, it was time to leave.

We suffered the terrible twos for quite some time. My daughter did not mind where she had a tantrum. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to it.

Rather than let it spoil our time, I thought up different ways to deal with the situation so that when a tantrum struck, I was armed and ready. I even gave it a name: 'Tantrum Tamer'. It worked most of the time, which was definitely better than none of the time. More importantly - it got us through. Here's how I coped.

Whenever a tantrum struck I would go through a series of five stages with my daughter:

Physical contact and understand helps with toddler tantrums1. Even if my daughter was screaming at the top of her voice and showing no signs of listening, I would get down to her level so we were face to face. I would explain in a low calm voice that I understood that she was feeling upset. I would then say that if we both took a deep breath together we would start to feel better.

2. I soon discovered that if I made things more child friendly and more like a game, I got better results. Hence the name 'Tantrum Tamer'. I would say to my daughter, "Shall we try the Tantrum Tamer?" This consisted of a series of actions, starting with a hug. For me this was twofold. If she was totally running wild I could restrain her. Secondly, children quite often respond to touch.

Next we would breathe deeply. I would ask my daughter to take a deep breath in and then blow out with puffy cheek at least twice. It usually calmed me down, too. I would then tell my daughter the lovely warm feeling in her tummy was the Tantrum Tamer working. It would take a little time but would definitely work faster if she sat quietly.

3. I would not only talk calmly to my daughter, but physically look and act calm so that she could see The Tamer was beginning to work. I would smile widely, and say things like "I feel so happy" or "I'm ready for a nice nap". Anything my daughter would respond to.

4. If all of the above failed, I felt it was time for more drastic measures such as taking away a treat. I would say that she would not be able to go to the park until she was better behaved. If you decide to try this, you need to use your judgement on what penalty will work best for you and your child at that moment. The thing to remember is that this is the last warning.

5. Stick to your guns. If things are not better at this stage then you must carry out the penalty. Don't be hoodwinked into giving another chance because this will only come back to bite you next time.

For me the terrible twos were a huge learning curve. Although I feel grateful for the experience, I have to admit that now that it's over, I can breathe a sigh of relief - at least until the teenage years!

Culled from  http://uk.lifestyle.yahoo.com/toddler-temper-tantrums-learned-stay-stress-free-163500641.html