ABOUT KIDS

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Giving your kids cash rewards can affect them negatively

by Simon Ejembi

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Many parents offer their children cash to make them behave appropriately, but experts warn that this strategy is not the best,SIMON EJEMBI writes

It is common to see parents promising their children one thing or the other - if they get good results in an examination, do their homework or house chores (at the right time). What is promised varies; toys, games, ice cream, and even cash. The list is endless.

In truth it is not unusual to hear a parent tell a child, "If you pass the examination I will buy you a bicycle." Neither is it strange for a parent to promise the kids, "After you do your homework we'll go and get ice cream."

Dangerous strategy

Parental advisers and financial experts say such parents often make these promises to their kids in order to keep them in line. Such parents, they explain, do so believing that they are just rewarding or motivating the children to behave properly.

A child protection specialist and Consultant to UNICEF on Child Protection, Taiwo Akinlami, says to the extent that it is not bribe or all about money, it is okay for parents to reward their children every now and then.

"We talk to parents or custodians of children about the principle of 'carrot and stick'. Now, if you want a child to do something. You can either use 'carrot' or 'stick'. 'Carrot' is to encourage the child, while 'stick' is to discipline the child," he says.

According to him, when parents reward the child, they are trying to use positive enforcement to tell the child to perform.

He adds, "The truth of the matter is that when you use positive enforcement, it has more positive impact on the child than when you use negative enforcement."

However, while experts agree that parents have to device a way of rewarding and punishing their children for good and bad behaviour, respectively, they warn that care must be taken as this strategy can backfire, especially for parents who frequently use such rewards, particularly cash, as the main means of getting their kids to perform any function or get anything done.

They argue that while the promise of a cash reward may get children to do what is expected of them, it is, in essence, bribe and teaches them a bad financial lesson.

This is because instead of adopting the behaviour for which the reward is given as the right one, the child just adopts it for the sake of the reward. Once the reward is withdrawn, they are unlikely to sustain the behaviour. Experts add that by rewarding the child for what they should do as a duty or responsibility, they may develop a sense of entitlement or come to believe that they deserve something in return for every positive action they take even if it is the normal thing to do.

Consequences

For some parents, and with some kids, the consequence of this approach starts manifesting at an early age. Many parents have had to watch, embarrassed, as their children insist on a reward before running an errand for a family friend or relative.

Experts say the major consequence may manifest later in life when the child becomes an adult. At this stage, their sense of entitlement starts taking a toll on their finances. They frequently make comments like, "After a hard day's job, I deserve this or that", "Having met my target, I should get this or that," and "Having been promoted, I need a new car or I have to organise a huge party," etc. This is regardless of whether they can afford this or not; whether they need it or not. They just believe that they deserve a reward or some form of gratification for playing their expected role.

Akinlami says, "The foundational thing is that we shouldn't bribe our children, it is not right."

While advising parents to encourage and commend their children on the basis of what they have been asked to do that they have done well, Akinlami warns that, "If you spoil your children with money every day because you want them to behave well or for whatever reason you keep giving them money, they are going to believe that life rises and falls on the idea of getting money, which is not true."

He adds, "I tell custodians of children - we work with parents and teachers - that, 'Your child has to be disciplined'. 'Your child cannot get 'carrot' all the time. You have to know how to combine 'carrot' with stick from time to time and ensure that you bring out the best in the child."

Remedy

Apart from ensuring that there is a balance and that parents do not bribe their children, Akinlami says they can further ensure that their kids get it right by setting good examples.

This, he says, is because "children don't do what you say, they do what you do. So, the financial life of the parent has direct impact on the children".

"For example," he adds, "when parents buy the things that are not necessary, whether they like it or not, children are copying them; because the best way that the children learn is by copying the parents.

"So, the best way parents can teach their children to be financially prudent is to ensure that whatever they model that is also what their children are going to pick up at the end of the day. If they are the type who buy things they don't need or who buy things to please people, the child observes all those things and that will determine his/her future financially."

Other experts, say parents can prevent their children from adopting the wrong financial mentality by desisting from giving them reward for doing the expected or exhibiting a behaviour that is considered normal.

Some parents even go as far as rewarding their children for eating their meal or for taking the plates to the kitchen. This should be avoided.

A time for everything

Despite the advice that parents should be careful about offering their kids cash rewards, experts say it is not wrong for parents to give their kids money. They explain that as children get older, parents need to start training them to understand how to use money - saving, spending, and investing.

In motivating a child, experts say parents ought to always take the behaviour that they are encouraging into consideration. Are you encouraging your child to always strive to the right things or are you encouraging them to do things only when they are sure they will get a reward?

Culled from PUNCH

REJUVINATING MARRIAGE

DISCOVER YAHOO! WITH YOUR FRIENDS

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The 21-Minute Secret to a Happier Marriage

By Elise Solé, Shine Staff | Love + Sex – 18 hours ago

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ThinkStockIn the time it takes to shower, get a manicure, or run to the post office, you could have a happier marriage. According to the results of an upcoming study in the journal Psychological Science, just three seven-minute writing exercises over a one-year period could drastically improve your bond.

More on Yahoo! Shine: Is Distance the Key to a Happy Marriage?

The two-year study included 120 married couples, ranging from 20-somethings to 70-somethings who had on average been married for 11 years. During  the first year, the couples were asked to sit down every four months and write about their biggest recent conflict such as tiffs about cleaning or sex-related gripes. For the second year, the researchers switched things up: They had one group of couples continue recording their conflicts and a second group write them from the perspective of a third party who wanted the best for them, such as a mutual friend. That way, the couples couldn't write things like, "It made me so angry when he was late" but rather "Chris was two hours late coming home." The results were surprising: Although the second group's arguments were just as frequent and severe as the first group's, the couples who wrote from a neutral perspective felt less angry toward their partners, experienced more sexual attraction for each other, and their happiness levels stabilized rather than declined.

More on Yahoo! 10 Money Mistakes That Can Ruin a Marriage

"Previous research shows that relationship satisfaction decreases over the course of a marriage but these writing exercises act as a buffer for unhappiness," says Eli Finkel, Ph.D., lead author of the study and professor of psychology at Northwestern University. "The trick is to get outside your own head. By processing conflict from a neutral perspective, you better understand where your partner is coming from and are able to let go of grudges." 

Easy, right? Try these other tricks for a happier relationship in 21 minutes or less.

Exercise together: Going for a quick run or walk around the block with your partner will do more than keep you shape; it'll make you feel happier and sexier. Exercise releases feel-good neurotransmitters called endorphins and breaking a sweat increases blood flow straight to your nether regions.

Conjure up a romantic memory: Research published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences found that extraverts owe their happy outlook to their habit of getting nostalgic. So daydream about the first time you met or your wedding day. Bonus points for swapping memories.

Exchange back rubs: No surprise that massage feels luxurious but it can also enhance romantic feelings. That's because physical contact stimulates the production of the happy hormone oxytocin. Ahhh….

culled from yahoo.com 7.2.2013

CHILD ABUSE OR CHILD RAPE ?!

Mexico: Girl, Nine, Gives Birth After 'Rape'

A nine-year-old Mexican girl has given birth in what authorities have called a rape or sexual abuse case.

The baby girl was born on January 27 in Zoquipan Hospital in Jalisco state, weighing 5lbs 7oz.

The youngster, who is identified only as Dafne, was eight when she got pregnant by a teenager who has since run away, her mother told local officials.

She said: "The father is a boy who is 17, but we have not found him, since he ran away.

"We are looking for the young man to get his story because she does not understand what has happened. This is a rape or child sex abuse case," said Jorge Villasenor with the state prosecutors' office.

Both girls were released from the hospital over the weekend, apparently doing well.

But the hospital said it would have to do extensive follow-up work due to the new mother's age.

Culled from  SkyNews 6.2.2013